Dovahkiin in California
by The Authors of Unity
Summary: The Daedric Princes Sheogorath (AKA the Champion of Cyrodiil) and Sanguine think that the Last Dragonborn and all his friends deserve some time off. So what do they decide to do? Why send them to Disneyland, of course! Watch as the heroes of Skyrim (and Miraak) are completely baffled by modern Earth culture. Male Nord Dragonborn x Lydia.


**Holly Thomas-Wyrm: We just felt like doing a joke story. Let us know what you think!**

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The night sky was draped over Tamriel. It was the time when mortals slept and vampires hunted. But this night, a very special event occurred in Skyrim, near Lake Ilinalta. Lakeview Manor lived up to its name, proudly sitting on a hill just above the lake. The manor was surrounded by several smaller huts, each with just enough room to comfortably live in. Tonight, a party was being thrown on the balcony above the bedrooms of the manor. The Dragonborn, Baldor Blade-Breaker, danced with his wife, Lydia Dragon-Crusher. Baldor was a Nord with long brown hair that came down to his chin, light blue eyes, and a stubble. His muscles were obvious under his blue set of Fine Clothes. Lydia was dressed in similar clothing, accept her outfit was red. Her muscles were visible as well. Everyone at the party was dressed for the occasion. Farkas and Vilkas were arm-wrestling. Erandur was performing magic tricks for Blaise and Lucia, Baldor and Lydia's adopted children. Jordis the Sword-Maiden, Baldor's steward and best friend, was busy providing food and drinks, but was able to find the time to enjoy herself. Rayya, housecarl of the manor, enjoyed a few drinks while still keeping a vigilant eye out for trouble. Valdimar, Argis the Bulwark, Iona, Calder and Gregor all chatted among themselves. Ghorbash the Iron Hand flirted with Borgakh the Steel Heart. Ahtar, Benor, Mjoll the Lioness (and by extension Aerin), Uthgerd the Unbroken, Erik, J'zargo, Jenassa, Illia, and Golldir all danced with joy. Sven, Sonir, Oriella, Llewellyn the Nightingale, and Talsgar the Wanderer all performed as a band, playing one instrument or another while singing of Alduin's defeat. Finally, Miraak, an unlikely friend, held a chat with Serana, who had cured her vampirism long ago. Everyone, including the bards, were all friends and followers of Baldor who he had made over the years, and each one of them has fought by his side at one time. In a way, they were his own personal army. Baldor had given them all the opportunity to live with him by building huts around the manor. Now they were their own community with Baldor as the founder.

"Three years," Miraak said. His voice no longer echoed ever since he escaped Apocrypha. He was the only one not dressed formally, preferring his usual robe and mask. "Three years today since Alduin's death."

"And you and me are the only ones unlucky enough to have been sealed away when it happened," said Serana.

Miraak laughed. "Had I been free, Alduin would have begged for me to kill him."

"How did you manage to escape anyway?"

"Hermaeus Mora had been so busy gloating that I was able to use my Become Ethereal Shout to escape his tentacle. Thinking quickly, Baldor allowed me to read his Black Book. I'll admit I owed him for saving me."

Baldor could only smile as he held Lydia in his arms. They shared a brief kiss and stared into each other's eyes. The Last Dragonborn brushed aside his wife's hair. "By Talos, you're beautiful." He had a very obvious Cyrodiilic accent.

Lydia laughed. "I have to look my best if I want to live up to the standards of being the wife of the man who's saved Nirn more times than can be counted."

"Nonsense. I wouldn't care if half your face was burned off and the other half was eaten by a rabid monkey. I'd still love you." Baldor immediately cursed himself in his mind for saying something so stupid.

Lydia stopped dancing after hearing such a weird line. "Uh... That's... sweet?" They both scratched their heads awkwardly for a few seconds. "I'm gonna... go check on the kids..." She quickly walked over to Blaise and Lucia, who were still amazed by Erandur's show.

Baldor went inside the house and leaned against the balcony over the room. He put one hand to his face in annoyance. "I am an idiot."

"How so?" a voice asked behind him.

Baldor turned around and saw Jordis with a tray of empty mugs. "Oh, it's you. Hi, Jordis."

Jordis smiled and began walking downstairs with the tray, and Baldor followed right behind. "I'm just getting some more mead from the basement."

"Didn't you just bring some up a few minutes ago?"

"Yes, but Vilkas threw a hissy fit after Farkas beat him in arm-wrestling. He drank half of the mugs and knocked over the rest to spite me."

"He drank... half of the mugs?" Baldor asked in surprise. "How in Oblivion is he still alive?"

"That's what I said." They reached the cellar and Jordis opened the door, carefully climbing down the ladder with one hand and using her other hand to hold the tray. Baldor stayed at the top of the ladder while Jordis quickly refilled the mugs. "So why did you call yourself an idiot?"

"Oh, that." Baldor chuckled to himself. "I was trying to say something cute to Lydia, but just ended up sounding weird. I said I would love her even if she was butt-ugly."

Jordis almost spilled the mug she was holding as she laughed. "You said what?!"

"It was supposed to be a compliment!" Baldor defended.

Jordis allowed herself to maintain composure. "Permission to speak as a friend and not as a steward?"

"You don't need to ask that. Of course."

Jordis finished filling the mugs and held the tray carefully as she walked over to the ladder. "I get why you said it. And in all honesty, it really was sweet of you to say. Can you please hold this?" She held of the tray of mead. Baldor knelt and held the tray for her while she climbed up. "But that's just something you shouldn't say to a woman. You say it when the woman in question actually is unattractive, or when her looks are starting to go away." She closed the cellar door and took the tray from Baldor's hands. "Thank you." They both walked back to the party. "But when you tell a pretty woman that, you just make her think she's getting old."

Baldor processed Jordis' words and face palmed. He snatched one of the mugs from the tray. "I need this." He downed the mug in a flash and put it back down on the dining table as they walked by it. "So what should I say?"

"Well, if Lydia were my wife, I'd apologize and admit I wasn't thinking. But I'd also let her know it was from a good heart."

Baldor smiled. "Thanks."

They began walking up the stairs to the second floor. "Then again, I also wouldn't have made that mistake in the first place, but that's just me."

They both laughed together. "You're fired," Baldor joked.

"You don't pay me," she retorted. She opened the door back to the balcony and joined the party again. "Good luck."

Baldor nodded and saw Lydia in the woods overseeing Blaise and Lucia as they sparred with their wooden swords. "Good parry, Lucia. Blaise, a little more force. That's my boy." She spotted her husband sheepishly walking over to her. "Where'd you go off to, love?"

"I was chatting with Jordis." They both watched their children play for a while.

"Give up!" Blaise said dramatically while swinging his sword. "You cannot hope to defeat Lord McMurder!"

"That's what you think!" Lucia said just as dramatically. She focused on deflecting his blows. "But Princess Lucia the Bold is the good guy! And good guys always win!" She thrusted her sword underneath Blaise's armpit.

"No!" Blaise shouted. "Curse you! This is the end of Lord McMurder!" The Breton child fell to ground with his arms spread out.

"Good show, kids," said Baldor.

Lucia walked over to her parents and sheathed her sword. "Mama? Papa? Erandur said that he's willing to teach me magic if you're okay with it. Can I? Pretty please?"

Baldor and Lydia looked at each other and nodded. "Of course, Lucia," Lydia said proudly.

"Just make sure he teaches you about Restoration. The basics at least."

Lucia's eyes lit up. "Yay! Thank you!" She gave both her parents a big hug. "I love you!"

"Love you too, dear," said Baldor. Lucia ran off to talk to Erandur. Baldor turned to Lydia and was about to speak, only to see Blaise still lying on the floor with his eyes closed. "Um, Blaise? You can get up, now."

"Can't hear you, Pa. I'm dead."

"Come on, Blaise. You're going to get your clothes dirty," said Lydia.

Still, Blaise just stayed on the ground. Baldor laughed. "Well, if you're dead, I guess we'll have to bury you."

Blaise instantly jumped back up in fear. "No! I'm fine. I'm alive."

"Go back to the party, son," said Baldor. "I need to speak with your mom."

Blaise nodded and walked back to the house. Lydia turned to her husband. "What did you need to talk about, Baldor?"

The Dragonborn took a deep breath. He had been to Sovngarde and back, spit in the faces of most Daedric Princes, and saved Mundus from having the sun blocked out for all eternity. And yet speaking with his wife caused him to trip over himself. "I... uh. I needed to talk to you."

Lydia laughed. "Yes, you already said that."

"Right... Um... I just didn't want you to take what I said earlier the wrong way."

"Oh, that."

"Yeah. I'm sorry. I was being a dumbass and didn't really think about what I was saying. But it was supposed to be a compliment. And I-" Lydia cut him off with a kiss. Baldor instantly shut up and melted into the kiss, embracing his wife.

Lydia pulled back and smiled. "I know you meant well. Don't worry about it."

Baldor smiled. "I love you."

"I love you too." They kissed again and began walking back to the party. "Just remind me to kick your ass later." They both laughed at her joke.

As soon as they got back to the balcony, they could see two uninvited guests sitting in the corner. Baldor and Lydia both instantly recognized the Breton with brown hair and a black robe. Lydia did not know the Breton with white hair and a colorful suit, but Baldor did. "This sure is one impressive party, wouldn't you agree?" The brown-haired man asked. His voice had a bit of a drunken slur to it.

The white-haired man shrugged. "It could use more cheese. And wine. And dead concubines." He had a very thick Scottish accent, which made no sense because Scotland doesn't exist.

The brown-haired man laughed. "I like your way of thinking. I know just where to go after this one." He looked up to see Baldor and Lydia standing in front of him. "Friends! Good to see you again!"

Baldor and Lydia both shivered as they remembered their encounter with Sam Guevenne years ago. It was their honeymoon, and Sam had convinced them to play a drinking game. The next thing they knew, they woke up naked in the temple of Dibella on the other siide of Skyrim. Apparently Lydia had stolen a goat and sold it to a giant, and Baldor was engaged to a hagraven, who tried to kill him after learning he was already married. They eventually learned that Sam was none other than Sanguine, the Daedric Prince of debauchery Himself. "Sanguine, what brings You here?" Lydia asked.

"You know Me." Sanguine laughed and sipped from His mug. "I always love a party. What's the occasion?"

"Tonight's the third anniversary of when I defeated Alduin in Sovngarde," said Baldor.

"Ah. I never liked him much. No fun at parties."

"Still more popular than Jyggalag, though," said the white-haired man.

"May I ask who you are?" Lydia asked.

"Lydia, this is Sheogorath," said Baldor. "Prince of Madness and Creativity."

"Pleasure to meet ya!" Sheogorath offered His hand. Lydia shook it, only to be zapped for her troubles. "Ha! The mortals always fall for that one!"

Lydia looked at the palm of her hand, relieved that there were no burns. Knowing better than to anger a god, she just laughed with Him. "Well, I hope You both enjoy the party."

The couple began walking back to dance. "Wait a second there, lads," said Sheogorath. They turned back to face the two Princes. "Sanguine and I brought a gift. We think you'll like this one."

The Nords hesitated and glanced at each other. A gift from the two most unpredictable Daedric Princes could be pleasent or it could spell disaster for everyone. It was impossible to guess. They wanted to play itself and just turn down the gift, but were afraid to anger the two gods before them. Relenting, Baldor sighed. "Thank you. What is it?"

Sheogorath and Sanguine grinned at each other, not a good sign. "We think you and all your adventure buddies deserve a vacation," said Sanguine. "So We're offering to send you all to another world where you can relax and have all the fun you want."

The idea sounded interesting, but they knew it wasn't going to be that simple. "Okay, what's the catch?" Lydia asked.

"No catch," said Sheogorath. "We'll send you away for a week. You go and have a merry old-time, and when all is said and done, you'll come right back home. Only a minute will have passed in Mundus! It'll be like you never even left!"

"Surely there has to be some sort of catch?" Baldor asked.

"You insult, Me!" said Sheogorath. "I would never lie! Well, except for when I do. But I'm not lying now! Of course, if I were lying, now, I obviously wouldn't be telling ya!"

"Look, you guys have been through a lot of hell," said Sanguine. "You fought dragons, kicked out an empire, wiped out the Dark Brotherhood, cured a werewolf, saved a college from blowing up the world, killed the strongest vampire clan in Tamriel, and screwed old Mora out of a servant. And that's not even counting all the crap in between. You fellows really deserve a break. So how about it?"

Baldor and Lydia thought about it and nodded. "I guess we could use some time off," said Lydia.

"Wonderful!" said Sheogorath. "So here's what We'll do. We'll teleport you all to another world known as Earth. More specifically, you'll be getting quality time in the Disneyland Resort! You'll stay in the Grand Californian Hotel during the nights. Downtown Disney will be a great place to get some food and do a bit of shopping. But the main event would be the parks. There's Disneyland and California Adventure. The two parks are very different, and have a lot of things there to see and do."

"Your hotel rooms and tickets to the parks have already been paid for," said Sanguine. "Furthermore, any money you have right now will be converted into dollars, the money they use there. When you come back to Mundus, the money you have left over will turn back into septims."

Baldor smiled. "Okay, you've caught my interest. We accept!"

"Good!" said Sanguine. "Now for the catch!"

"Son of a bitch!" Lydia yelled.

"I knew it," said Baldor.

Sheogorath spoke. "Condition number one is that We'll both be recording everyone's memories during your stay, that way We can laugh our arses off as We watch!"

"Okay, that doesn't sound too bad," said Lydia. "May I dare ask the other condition?"

"You'll have to figure out the society on your own," said Sanguine. "We're not gonna tell you what you can or can't do, say, or wear."

Baldor hesitated. "Deal."

Sheogorath laughed and stood up while Sanguine turned into a Dremora. "Okay, everyone! Gather around!"

The guests all stopped what they were doing. The bards stopped playing as well. "Who might you be?" Farkas asked.

"Not really important," said Sanguine. Several guests gasped at the sight of the Dremora and put a hand on their weapons. "No need for that. My friend and I are here to send you all on a vacation. We hope you enjoy it, cause We sure as Oblivion will!"

"What's going on?" Serana asked.

"The Daedra are up to one of Their pranks again," said Miraak. "Nothing good can ever come when Sheogorath and Sanguine work together."

"So hope you're all packed up!" said Sheogorath. "If not, too late! Tata!"

In an instant, every one at the party vanished in a flash of light. Sheogorath and Sanguine remained on the balcony, laughing like old friends. Sanguine grabbed a mug and started helping himself. "This may be the best prank you've thought up yet!"

"One second please." Sheogorath was surrounded by a purple vortex for a few seconds. When the vortex vanished, a young Imperial man was standing in the Mad God's place. Luther Maximus had a light complexion with short black hair. He was clean-shaven and had brown eyes. He was still dressed in Sheogorath's clothes. "That feels much better." He now had a rather young voice with a Cyrodiilic accent. "So what were you saying?"

"The prank. It's so genius!" said Sanguine, not even batting an eye at the Mad God's transformation.

"Oh, yeah. I'll be honest, it was only a partial prank," said Luther. "I really did want the Dragonborn and his friends to have a good time. He reminds Me of Myself back when I used to be a mortal."

Sanguine laughed. "Hey, that's the best kind of prank. One where even the people being pranked get to have fun. I'll be honest, here. When the other Princes and I heard that old Sheogorath had been replaced by a mortal, We really thought You'd screw it up."

"Really?" Luther asked sarcastically.

"Yeah! We even held a pool for when You'd crack. Dagon bet that You wouldn't last a week."

"Well, considering I helped banish Him from Nirn, I can see why He'd be pissed."

"I gave You twenty years. Mora was the only one who said You'd actually wear the title well. Guess He was right after all."

They both laughed together. "Well, We'd better get back to Our realms," said Luther. "They'll be back any second."

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**Holly Thomas-Wyrm: Okay, this chapter was more lovey-dovey than we intended. But we promise that the real comedy starts with chapter 2!**


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